Listen to me

One of the most satisfying as well as enlightening assignments I give my communication skills students, is to listen to someone. In class, we talk about the distinction we’re all aware of: the mechanical hearing compared to the perceptive listening. Then I tell them that for an hour or two, they need to listen.

“This isn’t something that you want to do with a person you don’t care about,” I say. “This might be short, but it’s probably going to take more time than you thought it would.” Their assignment: find someone they consider worth the listening time (a commentary on how busy we consider ourselves, and how we insulate our emotions), and to listen. “You do not need to ask any questions. You do not need to find a specific answer. All I need you to do is listen.” Their faces tell me that they are humoring the instructor. Just listen? “Afterward,” I continue, “I want you to write a short essay about what happened. You’re not telling me how to listen; you’re telling me what happened in the listening assignment.”
“What if they don’t want to talk with us?” someone asks.
I smile. “That will be the least of your problems.”

The next week when we meet for class I do not need to remind them of the assignment. They compare results with each other. “I thought he’d never shut up.” “I learned things I never knew about my parents.” “It was crazy.” “It went on for hours.” Their universal response is a mixture of disbelief and awe. How could something as simple as listening create such a powerful response? Who would have thought that listening, simply listening to someone, was so important?

Remember what we learned, I tell them. We don’t feel listened to. If we are bosses, someone will follow our directions. When we tell the deli clerk to give us a pound of this and a half pound of that, we get what we’ve asked for. Our family members give us a mumble when we pointedly wonder, “How was your day?” But we do not feel that someone gives us that incredible gift of concentrated listening. Eye contact, quiet, and an open soul, tell us that we are worth listening to. Such listening changes more lives than only the one who is doing the talking.